5 tips to help when your baby is going through separation anxiety
Separation anxiety can be really tough for everyone involved; after all, you’ve been with your baby 24/7 for most of their life so it’s only natural that eventually they start to notice when you’re not there (and feel worried about when you’ll come back!)
It’s completely normal for separation anxiety to peak at certain developmental stages (typically around 12 months, 18 months and 2 years of age) and almost all babies go through it at some point to varying degrees.
It can be completely exhausting when your baby suddenly wants to be attached to you every second of the day, cries when you put them down and loses the plot when you leave the room… but it’s even more worrying when you finally get them sleeping through the night, only for anxiety to start waking them.
It can be hard to stay consistent and the worry always is, that sleep will be permanently disrupted. So, what can you do to avoid reinforcing separation anxiety and get back on track?
Here are my 5 top tips, which can be applied during both day and night:
1. Don't sneak away
I know you’re probably trying to prevent tears but let your baby see you leave, especially at bedtime. If they see that you’ve walked away calmly and confidently it will help them to realise that there is nothing to be worried about which will increase their trust in you and decrease anxiety. If you sneak away and then they realise you’re gone, it will worsen the separation anxiety because they’ll start to worry you’re going to just disappear without them knowing in future too.
2. Practice
This may sound silly but regularly playing games like peek-a-boo can make a HUGE difference when it comes to separation anxiety, particularly with younger babies. When they are very tiny they do not understand that you still exist when they can’t see you, so playing peek-a-boo will help them learn that you are still there. With older babies, try playing a game where you briefly pop out of the room and then jump back in to surprise them – this helps them learn that when you leave, you always come back and it’ll help them feel more secure.
3. Keep goodbyes brief
When your little one gets upset by goodbyes it can be tempting to hang around, making a fuss over them and trying to calm them, but actually this prolongs the separation and can make them more upset. In my previous career as an infant school teacher, I used to see this all the time… a child would get upset at drop-off and their parent would naturally want to make sure they’re ok but I always found that the longer they lingered the worse the child would be. As soon as the parent was gone, the child would quickly calm and forget about it.
4. Be aware of your own emotions
It can be hard but staying calm and confident yourself really is key. If you’re rushing around, feeling stressed and anxious, your child will pick up on that and then there’s no way they’ll be able to relax and go to sleep. Bedtimes can be stressful when your little one is upset so if you feel you need a minute to breathe then do that – put your baby down, safely in their cot and give yourself some space (often it’s what they need too!)
5. Have a plan
Having a clear consistent plan to get back on track after a period of separation anxiety is key. If you’ve sleep trained already, you shouldn’t have to redo everything from scratch – I recommend giving some extra support but aiming to get right back to where you were before, as quickly as possible. Your child will quickly remember what to do and your old routines if you do this.
If you need help with sleep, I support parents through my range of online courses and 1-1 support. In fact, I have an incredible Sleep Success Online Course that you can enrol in right now! Just listen to what some of the parents on the course have had to say:
"𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆 𝑰 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒎𝒖𝒎𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒃𝒚 𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒍𝒆𝒆𝒑𝒔! 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆! 𝑴𝒚 𝟖-𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒉-𝒐𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒔𝒍𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒘𝒆 𝒅𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒊𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒊𝒇 𝒔𝒍𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒏𝒂𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚. 𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒊𝒕 𝒅𝒊𝒅𝒏'𝒕, 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆. 𝑰'𝒎 𝒔𝒐 𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒘𝒆 𝒅𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆. 𝑩𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒅𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏𝑬𝑽𝑬𝑹!!!"
"𝑵𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝟒. 𝑺𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒂𝒔𝒍𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝟑 𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒓𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆. 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒄𝒉𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒇𝒕?! 𝑰 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒆 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒇, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒔 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒔𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒊𝒕 𝒔𝒐 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒍. 𝑰'𝒎 𝒂 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒚𝒆𝒅 𝒘𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒅𝒏'𝒕;𝒕 𝒅𝒐 𝒊𝒕 𝒔𝒐𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒕. 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 :) 𝑾𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒖𝒈𝒆𝒃𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒇𝒊𝒕𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚."
"𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝟓 𝒏𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔 𝒔𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒔𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆𝒅 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏 𝟐𝟎𝒎 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝑺𝑳𝑬𝑷𝑻 𝑻𝑯𝑹𝑶𝑼𝑮𝑯! 𝑻𝒐𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒘𝒆 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒊𝒏 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒄𝒌. 𝑶𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒃𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖."
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